Rich Vos
From OAPedia.com
Vos with Jheri curl and fucked up teeth
Here's the thing, Rich Ira Vos (born June 30, 1957) is a Jewish-American comedian. He has the distinction of being the first white comedian to perform on Def Comedy Jam. He also placed 3rd on the first season of NBC's Last Comic Standing. He is also a frequent guest on The Opie and Anthony Show on XM Radio, often filling in for Jim Norton when he is out of town for gigs. He has not written a new joke in over 20 years, preferring to stick with such classics as "Wanna buy a dryer... door?" and "I owe my daughter money for cookies... I'm dodgin' her!"
First of all, Vos has been roasted on the show (he's also the only comic to have his show performances roasted TWICE on O&A, the other time was with Patrice Oneal and Paul Mercurio). He also had a long standing grudge with fellow comic Jeff Norris that reached its pinnacle with a gag that O&A had helped plan. Right after Vos had trashed and upset Norris who had "called" into the show to have it out with Vos, Norris burst into the studio (much to Vos' surprise, thinking Norris was in NJ) and tackled Vos during his victory dance. Also has many stories about when him and Norton had happened to share the same woman after gigs.
In spite of the fact that he is at the very least borderline retarded, Vos has (for reasons unknown to anybody with a normal set of chromosomes) claimed on several occasions to have an I.Q. of 140. Although anybody who knows the man, or has ever met him, listened to him on the show, or rode on the subway with him knows differently.
Let me tell you something. Despite all the talk of how stupid and unfunny Vos is, Opie has been known to defend him and explain that he really is extremely funny onstage.
Vos-cabulary
Rich is known for having a somewhat unconventional vocabulary and not being funny at all.
- 3D GLASSES - X-Ray glasses
- AAHSCHWITZ - Auschwitz
- ABSURD REFERENCE - Obscure reference
- ADAM FARARO - Adam Ferrara
- ALANA - Atlanta
- ALMOND BROTHERS - Allman Brothers
- ALTER TOP - Halter Top
- AMAZOT.COM - Amazon.com
- AMBALANCE - Ambulance
- ANGELA JOLIE - Angelina Jolie
- ARCHIE BUNCHER - Archie Bunker
- ARITHMETICS - Eurythmics
- A RIVER RUN THROUGHS IT - A River Runs Through It
- ASTROLOGY - Astronomy (debatable)
- BASKING ROBINS - Baskin-Robbins
- BEER IN LIMMINGSTON - Bear in Livingston
- BENADICK ARNOLD - Benedict Arnold
- BENEETCIO DEL TORIO - Benicio Del Toro
- BERSERTIFICATE - Birth certificate
- BLACK MONDAY - Black Friday
- BLUE TEETH - Bluetooth
- BO CONSTHICHLER - Boa Constrictor
- BOB WIRE - Barbed wire
- BOKERAGE - Brokerage
- BONEDED - Boned
- BONGLADESH - Bangladesh
- BOUGHTEN - Bought
- BUFORD PUFFERS - Buford Pusser (from Walking Tall)
- BUZZART - Buzzard
- CALIGULA - Calogero (character from A Bronx Tale)
- CALVERY ROAD - Calgary Road
- Carl Malden - Karl Malden (On his Twitter page)
- CAUCUS - Carcass
- CHADISHINAL - Traditional (which he said while playing Lenny Bruce on American Dreams)
- CHARLENE THERON - Charlize Theron
- CHAZZ PALOMERI - Chazz Palminteri
- CHRISTINE AGULERIA - Christina Aguilera
- CLOCKWORTH ORANGE - A Clockwork Orange
- CLOPE - Cloak
- COLDS - Kohl's (department store)
- COLLEGE SHIP - College Tip's
- CONWAY WEST - Kanye West
- DDD – DVD
- DECHISIN - Decision
- DETRACTION - Contraction (the reverse of expansion)
- DINGDO - Dingo
- DISKCHARGE - Discharge
- DIVORCE DEGREE - Divorce Decree
- DIZZY - Busy
- DOCTOR OFFICES - Doctor's Office
- DON CHE-A-DEL - Don Cheadle (the 'a' is silent)
- DUNKY - Donkey
- D.V. CLINIC - V.D. Clinic
- EKERCISE - Exercise
- EMMINTUN - Edmonton
- ENTRY - Entree
- EVOLVE - revolve
- EXCALATOR - Escalator
- FLOVELY - Lovely ("Next to Rosie, even Leona Helmsley looks flovely")
- FLYING OFF THE TABLE - Flying off the shelves
- GARGYLE - Gargoyle
- GINAE O'CONNOR - Sinéad O'Connor
- GIOVANNI BURDICCI - Giovanni Ribisi
- GOLD FISH - Go Fish
- GONDARHEA - Gonorrhea
- GONZILLA - Godzilla
- GREAT MINDS THINK A LOT - Great minds think alike
- GREG GINNEAR - Greg Kinnear
- GRETA VAN SUSKIN - Greta Van Susteren
- GUALEMALA - Guatemala
- GUANAMO BAY - Guantanamo Bay
- HANNA BARBARA - Hanna Barbera
- HEMOGLOBEM - Hemoglobin
- HERE'S THE DEER - Here's the deal
- HISTERECTEMEAL - Hysterectomy
- HOE-LOE-COST - Holocaust
- IF YOU FALL OFF THE LADDER, YOU GOT TO GET RIGHT BACK ON - If you fall of the horse...
- IGSINIFICANT - Insignificant
- INADAMANT - Inanimate
- INSTALLATION - Insulation
- INTELLECTUAL QUIZ, INTELLECTUAL QUOTATION - Intelligence quotient
- JÄGERMONSTER - Jägermeister
- JAKE DILLENWORTH - Jake Gyllenhaal
- JAKE LAMOTTO - Jake LaMotta
- JEEZ - Jesus
- JOHN COOZOCK - John Cusack
- JOHN LEGGIZAMO - John Leguizamo
- KILLBASO - Kielbasa
- KNOB DIALER - Board Op
- LACKBAG - Wackbag
- LAMBASHED - Lambasted
- LAW & ORDER SUV - Law & Order: SVU
- LEAN KAZEENE - Lean Cuisine
- LEGITAMINT - Legitimate
- LIBARY - Library
- LIGHT-SKINDED - Light-skinned
- MADRI GRAG - Mardi Gras
- MATTHEW BRODWICK - Matthew Broderick
- MATTHEW MCCONNOLY - Matthew McConaughey
- MENCINA - Carlos Mencia
- MIKE BIRBIGLIO - Mike Birbiglia
- MIMINAL - Minimal
- MOTHER MARY - The Virgin Mary
- MOUNTAIN IN RUSHMORE - Mount Rushmore
- MULTIPLE SCEROFIS - Multiple Sclerosis
- MUSH MOUSE - Mush Mouth
- NEW ARLEENS - New Orleans
- NIGGERETTE GUM - Nicorette gum
- NORK - Newark, NJ (according to Vos, the "W" is silent)
- OATMAIL - Oatmeal
- OBACK - Barack Obama
- PAVAROTTI, PAVARATZI - Paparazzi
- PAY-A-LAY - Pele
- PAYPAL - Paltalk
- PENTAGOG - Pentagon
- PIERCE BRONSON - Pierce Brosnan
- PO FAH - Faux pas
- PROGERIO - Progeria
- PUNK CHLINE - Punch Line
- QUADROCOLLEGIC - Quadriplegic
- RAPID - Rampant
- REESEEZ - Reeses
- RICK VOS - Rich Vos
- RON AND FLEZ – Ron and Fez
- ROSE RICE - Rolls Royce
- ROY SCHEIDNER - Roy Scheider
- RUPERT PUMPKIN - Rupert Pupkin
- SALMADOR DALI - Salvador Dali
- SCAFOLD - Scaffolding
- SCLONE - Scone
- SECRETARIUS - Secretariat (the horse, and the source for his new dental implants)
- SEINFELT - Seinfeld
- SHE HAD THE BEST PUSSY IN TOWN - "She was the greatest piece of ass I've ever had, and I've had 'em all over the world."
- SHERLOCK HOME - Sherlock Holmes (He also thought he was a real person)
- SHUCHI - Sushi
- SIMULAR - Similar
- SIVLAKIS - Souvlaki
- SKREEGEE - Squeegee
- SLIDING BOARD - Slide
- SPARAGUS - Asparagus
- SPRING POULTRY - Spring chicken
- STAR TRACK - Star Trek
- STEVE BOOSHINNY - Steve Buscemi
- STIMMER - Simmer
- STOPE STAR - Soap Star
- STYLIST - Stylus
- SUCCEED - Secede
- SUPREME CORM JUSTICE - Supreme Court Justice
- SUZANNE SUMNER - Suzanne Somers
- TETERING OUT - Petering Out
- TORTILIA - Tortilla
- TUSAMI - Tsunami
- TREDMAIL - Treadmill
- UMOR - Humor
- VANTRILOQUIST - Ventriloquist
- VERIAL - Venereal
- WESLEY SIPES - Wesley Snipes
- WILKES BORROUGH - Wilkes-Barre (Pennsylvania)
- WOLFMAN PUCK - Famed chef Wolfgang Puck
- WOMEN LIBS - Women's Lib
- WOOKAPEDIA - Wikipedia
- WORSTER - Worcester (pronounced "Wooster")
- WROTEN - Written
In addition, Rich has done many other stupid things:
- Saying the Leaning Tower of Pisa was in France.
- Talking on the phone and saying he's "bombing" while standing in the middle of an airport.
- Buying a Rolls Royce on eBay and getting ripped off.
- While talking sex with O&A, Norton and Bonnie, the subject came to masturbation and how Jim can arc a load past his head while lying down. In response to that, Rich fired out, "You ever think, 'This is the time I'm going to taste it?'"
- Engaged in phone sex with Bonnie, Rich said "You have one of the best tasting pussies ever." One of?
- Thinking that people in Brazil spoke Brazilian, instead of Portuguese.
- Said that a layer of ice levitates above water.
- Thinking that Everett, WA (a city) was Mount Everest.
- Thinking a teleprompter had ancient hieroglyphics scroll on it.
- Thinking Virginia Tech was in West Virginia.
- Thinking the Department of Agriculture was a branch of the government as opposed to a Cabinet Department.
- Referring to the two landlords on Three's Company (Mr. Roper and Mr. Furley) as the two Ropers.
- Once met Ann Coulter at a party and thought she was Laura Ingraham.
- Misspelled his daughter's name on her birth certificate.
- During an appearance on May 20, 2009, Vos blurted out his Twitter account password - comic630 - live on the air. It turns out he used the same password for his MySpace, Facebook, and email accounts. The Pests and some O&A staff members immediately took over everything. They replaced his picture on Twitter with one of Jimmy in his underwear and one of a horse's ass, and signed him up to follow gay Twitter sites.
- Claimed he knew that Washington crossed the Delaware because "they took pictures."
Fun Facts
- Had a horrendous, stench filled bag of puss behind his ear. That he would drain on air for people to smell. He said is smelled like grape jelly.
- Having unbending midget fingers not unlike turtle feet.
- Has big fake teeth and long stories about when he smoked crack.
- He "knows the struggle".
- AKA "The Worlds Tallest Midget".
- Married comedian Bonnie McFarlane in 2005. Apparently knocked her up sometime around September, 2006. She gave birth to a daughter in 2007.
- Swallowed his own crown in 2005 and actually searched through his own feces to find it because he was too cheap to buy a replacement.
- Would pull into the emptiest hotel parking lot with a lady and say it's sold out.
- On March 1st, 2006, Rich produced a 4 to 6 inch long booger... which Wild Bill touched with his tongue for $42.00.
- Has a self-proclaimed IQ of 140.
- Has tattoos - a no-no in the Jewish religion.
- Used to have a Jheri curl.
- Is considered a shitty actor; he brags about playing Lenny Bruce on the TV show American Dreams, but his performance sounded nothing like Bruce, and his portrayal of Lenny's comedy sounded no different than a regular Vos performance. As a joke, O&A had him act out a scene from A Bronx Tale with Chazz Palminteri - to call it shit would be an insult to shit. See Louie Beans for more details.
- Used to wear short-shorts to entice a male drug dealer to give him drugs (revealed on May 16, 2007).
- After mispronouncing several celebrity names, Steven S from Bayshore came up with the idea of showing Vos pictures of celebrities and having him guess their names (November 14, 2008)
- On his second date with his future wife, he gave her oral treats in the back of his car.
- Chose to spend Christmas, 2008 with his ex-wife and kids instead of going to Canada with Bonnie and their baby.
