Rich Vos
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Vos with Jheri curls and fucked up teeth
Here's the thing, Rich Ira Vos (born June 30, 1957) is a Jewish-American comedian. He has the distinction of being the first white comedian to perform on Def Comedy Jam. He also placed 3rd on the first season of NBC's Last Comic Standing. He is also a frequent guest on The Opie and Anthony Show on XM Radio, often filling in for Jim Norton when he is out of town for gigs. He has not written a new joke in over 20 years, preferring to stick with such classics as "Wanna buy a dryer... door?" and "I owe my daughter money for cookies... I'm dodgin' her!"
First of all, Vos has been roasted on the show (he's also the only comic to have his show performances roasted TWICE on O&A, the other time was with Patrice Oneal and Paul Mercurio). He also had a long standing grudge with fellow comic Jeff Norris that reached its pinnacle with a gag that O&A had helped plan. Right after Vos had trashed and upset Norris who had "called" into the show to have it out with Vos, Norris burst into the studio (much to Vos' surprise, thinking Norris was in NJ) and tackled Vos during his victory dance. Also has many stories about when him and Norton had happened to share the same woman after gigs.
In spite of the fact that he is at the very least borderline retarded, Vos has (for reasons unknown to anybody with a normal set of chromosomes) claimed on several occasions to have an I.Q. of 140. Although anybody who knows the man, or has ever met him, listened to him on the show, or rode on the subway with him knows differently.
Despite all the talk of how stupid and unfunny Vos is, Opie has been known to defend him and explain that he really is extremely funny onstage.
Jim Norton once refered to Vos as a "rock with teeth".
Vos also hosts a podcast called "My Wife Hates Me" with wife Bonnie McFarlane.
Contents |
Vos-cabulary
Rich is known for having a somewhat unconventional vocabulary and not being funny at all. Many items on this list were read on the air on May 20, 2009, when O&A were goofing on Vos' Twitter "paux fas". A printout of this list was hung in the studio, and when Vos screws up a new word, O&A tell somebody to "add it to the list".
| English | Vos | Date |
|---|---|---|
| 3:10 to Yuma | 5:10 to Yumo | January 10, 2011 |
| A Clockwork Orange | Clockworth Orange | |
| A River Runs Through It | A River Run Throughs It | |
| Abercrombie | Abercrobie | March 30, 2010 |
| Adam Ferrara | Adam Fararo | |
| Addict | Attic | April 13, 2010 |
| Alcatraz | Alcatrash | April 26, 2010 |
| Allman Brothers | Almond Brothers | |
| Amazon.com | Amazot.com | |
| Ambulance | Ambalance | |
| Angelina Jolie | Angela Jolie | |
| Anxiety | Ang-ziety | January 10, 2011 |
| Archie Bunker | Archie Buncher | |
| Ashton Kutcher | Asston Kushner | |
| Asparagus | Sparagus | |
| Astronomy | Astrology (debatable) | |
| Atlanta | Alana | |
| Attitude | Addatoot | October 11, 2010 |
| Auschwitz | Aahschwitz | |
| Bangladesh | Bongladesh | April 26, 2010 (among other dates) |
| Barack Obama | Oback | |
| Barbecue | Picnic | September 16, 2010 |
| Barbed wire | Bob Wire | |
| Baskin-Robbins | Basking Robins | |
| Bear in Livingston | Beer In Limmingston | |
| Benedict Arnold | Benadick Arnold | September 3, 2008 |
| Benicio Del Toro | Beneetcio Del Torio | |
| Bigger than Light | Bigger than Life | November 30, 2011 |
| Bingo | Pingo | |
| Birth certificate | Bersertificate | |
| Black Friday | Black Monday | |
| Bluetooth | Blue Teeth | |
| Boa Constrictor | Bo Consthichler | |
| Board Op | Knob Dialer | |
| Boned | Boneded | |
| Bonobo chimps | Bonnaboo chimps | March 18, 2010 |
| Bought | Boughten | |
| Brokerage | Bokerage | |
| Buford Pusser (from Walking Tall) | Buford Puffers | |
| Busy | Dizzy | |
| Buzz Aldrin | Buzz Armstrong | |
| Buzzard | Buzzart | |
| Calgary Road | Calvery Road | |
| Calogero (character from A Bronx Tale) | Caligula | |
| Carcass | Caucus | |
| Carlos Mencia | Mencina | |
| Cellulite | Sellalight | |
| Charlize Theron | Charlene Theron | |
| Chazz Palminteri | Chazz Palomeri | |
| Chaperone | Chapoarone | October 10, 2011 |
| Christina Aguilera | Christine Aguleria | |
| Cirque du Soleil | Circus Olay | |
| Cloak | Clope | |
| Coherent | Cohairant | June 25, 2010 |
| College Tip's | College Ship | |
| Come here | Cohere | April 13, 2010 |
| Completely | Competely | August 27, 2010 |
| Contraction (the reverse of expansion) | Detraction | |
| Cosby Show | Cawsby Show | September 16, 2010 |
| Craps table | Crap table | August 27, 2010 |
| Diamond District | Dime District | September 16, 2010 |
| DVD | DDD | |
| David Duchovny | David Ducoveny | |
| Decision | Dechisin | |
| Dingo | Dingdo | |
| Discharge | Diskcharge | |
| District | Distric | |
| Divorce Decree | Divorce Degree | |
| Doctor's Office | Doctor Offices | |
| Don Cheadle | Don Che-A-Del (the 'a' is silent) | |
| Donkey | Dunky | |
| Dumb | Stumb | |
| Edmonton | Emmintun | |
| East Bound And Down | East Bound Down | November 5, 2010 |
| Entree | Entry | |
| E-Rock | Eeroy | January 31, 2011 |
| Escalator | Excalator | |
| Especially | Ecspecially | July 16, 2010 (Bob Kelly's podcast) |
| Eurythmics | Arithmetics | |
| Exercise | Ekercise | |
| Faux pas | Paux fas | May 20, 2009 |
| FIOS | FI-us | April 26, 2010 |
| Firewire | Hotwires | April 13, 2010 |
| "Flew the coop" | "Floop the coop" | January 20, 2011 |
| Flying off the shelves | Flying off the table | |
| From Dusk Til Dawn | Ducks Til Dawn | July 23, 2010 |
| Frugal and Frivolous | Frugalous | January 20, 2011 |
| Gargoyle | Gargyle | |
| Gazelle | Jizelle | June 25, 2010 |
| Gets in the way | Gettins away | June 1, 2010 |
| Giovanni Ribisi | Giovanni Burdicci | |
| Go Fish | Gold Fish | |
| Godzilla | Gonzilla | |
| Gonorrhea | Gondarhea | |
| "Great minds think alike." | "Great minds think a lot." | |
| Greg Kinnear | Greg Ginnear | |
| Greta Van Susteren | Greta Van Suskin | |
| Guantanamo Bay | Guanamo Bay | |
| Guatemala | Gualemala | |
| Halle Berry | Holly Berry | |
| Halter Top | Alter Top | |
| Hanna Barbera | Hanna Barbara | |
| Headphones | Headspeakers | |
| Headphones | Earspeakers | My Wife Hates Me podcast played December 13th, 2011 |
| Hemoglobin | Hemoglobem | |
| Here's the deal | Here's The Deer | |
| Heroes (the TV series) | Hero | |
| Holocaust | Hoe-Loe-Cost | |
| Housing | Houcing (on Red Eye) | May 26, 2010 |
| Humor | Umor | |
| Hurry | Herry | August 27, 2010 |
| Hysterectomy | Histerecto-meal | |
| I'm a man's man | I'm a man, man | |
| "If you fall off the horse, you got to get right back on." | "If you fall off the ladder, you got to get right back on." | |
| In a coma | On a coma | July 23, 2010 |
| Inanimate | Inadamant | |
| Insignificant | Igsinificant | |
| Insulation | Installation | |
| Intelligence quotient | Intellectual Quiz/Intellectual Quotation | |
| Jack LaLanne | Jack Alane | |
| Jägermeister | Jägermonster | |
| Jake Gyllenhaal | Jake Dillenworth | |
| Jake LaMotta | Jake Lamotto | |
| James Gandolfini | James Gadafellini | July 23, 2010 |
| Jesse Ventura | Jesse Vantora | |
| Jehova's Witness | Jehoba's Witness | March 8, 2006 |
| Jesus | Jeez | |
| Jingle Ball (radio station concert) | Jingle Bell, Jingle Balls | |
| John Cusack | John Coozock | |
| John Leguizamo | John Leggizamo | |
| John Malkovich | John Malkovitz | |
| Jovial | Jovul | |
| Julia Child | Julia Childs | |
| Kanye West | Conway West | |
| Karaoke | Kerokee | September 16, 2010 |
| Kathy Bates | Kathleen Bates | January 31, 2011 |
| Kielbasa | Killbaso | |
| Knowledge | Knowledgable | October 10, 2011 |
| Kohl's (department store) | Colds | |
| Krugerrand | Koogerand | July 23, 2010 |
| Labia | Labeeuh | March 18, 2010 |
| Lambasted | Lambashed | |
| Laptop | Labtop | April 13, 2010 |
| Law & Order: SVU | Law & Order SUV | |
| Lean Cuisine | Lean Kazeene | |
| Legitimate | Legitamint | |
| Liam Neeson | Liam Nielsen | |
| Liberate | Liberize | |
| Library | Libary | |
| Light-skinned | Light-Skinded | |
| Little bit wrong | Little to wrong | March 30, 2010 |
| 'Lost in Translation' | 'Lost in Transation' | January 20. 2011 |
| Lovely | Flovely ("Next to Rosie, even Leona Helmsley looks flovely") | |
| Mardi Gras | Madri Grag/Marty Grass | |
| Material | Mateeral | September 3, 2008 |
| Matthew Broderick | Matthew Brodwick | |
| Matthew McConaughey | Matthew Mcconnoly | |
| Mavis Beacon | Mavis Beavis | |
| Mike Birbiglia | Mike Birbiglio | |
| Minimal | Miminal | |
| Motel 6 | Hotel 6 | |
| Mount Rushmore | Mountain In Rushmore | |
| Multiple Sclerosis | Multiple Scerofis, Multiple Scerosis | November 5, 2010 (Multiple Scerosis) |
| Mush Mouth | Mush Mouse | |
| Netflix | Net Flick | |
| New Orleans | New Arleens | |
| Newark, NJ | Nork (according to Vos, the "W" is silent) | |
| Nicorette gum | Niggerette Gum | |
| Oatmeal | Oatmail | |
| Obscure reference | Absurd Reference | |
| Opie & Anthony animals | Opie and animals | Fridays with Jim Breuer, November 5, 2010 |
| Panera Bread | Panero Bread | June 1, 2010 |
| Paparazzi | Pavarotti, Pavaratzi | |
| Paltalk | Paypal | |
| Paul Bond | Joe Bond | June 25, 2010 |
| Peep booth | Beep booth | November 24, 2010 |
| Pele (soccer player) | Pay-A-Lay | |
| Pentagon | Pentagog | |
| Petering Out | Tetering Out | |
| Pierce Brosnan | Pierce Bronson | |
| Post traumatic | Post Dramatic | |
| Planet | Plantet | March 18, 2010 |
| Progeria | Progerio, Pojerria | June 25, 2010 (Pojerria) |
| Prom | Pron | October 10, 2011 |
| Province | Providence | July 16, 2010 (Bob Kelly's podcast) |
| Punch Line | Punk Chline | |
| Pup Tent | Pump Tent | September 16, 2010 |
| Quadriplegic | Quadrocollegic | |
| Rags to riches | Rags To Richer | |
| Rampant | Rapid | |
| Real | Weal | March 18, 2010 |
| Recognized | Reckanized | April 12, 2011 |
| Reeses | Reeseez | |
| Remote control | TV Thing | |
| Rent-a-Center | Rent-a-Furniture | April 26, 2010 |
| Revolve | Evolve | |
| Ricardo Montalban | Roberto Montalban | |
| Rich Vos | Rick Vos | |
| Rob Schneider | Rob Snider | |
| Rocky Horror Picture Show | Rocky Picture Horror Show | |
| Rolls Royce | Rose Rice | |
| Ron and Fez | Ron and Flez | |
| Roy Scheider | Roy Scheidner | |
| Running Rampant | Running Rapid | Cleveland restaurant tour on O&A and Cleveland gig |
| Rupert Pupkin (Rich's comedic inspiration) | Rupert Pumpkin | |
| Salvador Dali | Salmador Dali | |
| San Quentin | San Qintin | |
| Scaffolding | Scafold/Scaple | |
| Schenectady, NY | Sknewectidty, NY | |
| Scone | Sclone | |
| Secede | Succeed | |
| Secretariat (the horse, and the source for Vos' new dental implants) | Secretarius | |
| Seinfeld | Seinfelt | |
| "She was the greatest piece of ass I've ever had, and I've had 'em all over the world." | "She had the best pussy in town." | |
| Self-Explanatory | Explanatory | August 27, 2010 |
| Sherlock Holmes | Sherlock Home (He also thought he was a real person) | |
| Similar | Simular | |
| Simmer | Stimmer | |
| Sinéad O'Connor | Ginae O'Connor | |
| Skee-Ball | Skittle Ball | |
| Slide | Sliding Board | |
| Soap Star | Stope Star | |
| Souvlaki | Sivlakis | |
| Spring chicken | Spring Poultry | |
| Squeegee | Skreegee | |
| Star Trek | Star Track | |
| Step Father | Step Husband | March 30, 2010 |
| Steve Buscemi | Steve Booshinny | |
| Steward | Stort | November 5, 2010 |
| Sticklers | Ticklers | January 20, 2011 |
| Stokely Carmichael | Stokey Carmichael | July 23, 2010 |
| Stylus | Stylist | May 20, 2009 |
| Supposedly | Supposevly | April 19, 2012 |
| Supreme Court Justice | Supreme Corm Justice | |
| Sushi | Shuchi | |
| Suzanne Somers | Suzanne Sumner | |
| Swastika | Swassika | |
| Taken | Tooken | June 25, 2010 |
| Terabyte | Tarabyte | April 26, 2010 |
| Terrestrial radio | Terreskular radio | |
| Thankful | Thankul | November 17, 2011 |
| The Frog from "Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse" | Froggie | |
| The Three Stooges | Three Stoogers | |
| Time Warner | Tom Warner | April 26, 2010 |
| Tortilla | Tortilia | |
| Toucher and Rich | Toucher and Tebow | April 26, 2010 |
| Traditional | Chadishinal (which he said while playing Lenny Bruce on American Dreams) | |
| Transition | Translation | April 30, 2009 |
| Traumatized | Traumanized | October 11, 2010 |
| Treadmill | Tredmail | |
| Truth | Shroof | |
| Tsunami | Tusami | |
| Tweets (info feeds, a la Twitter.com) | Twits | |
| Vagisil | Vagiseal | February 23, 2011 |
| Validator | Valitor | My Wife Hates me played on December 13, 2011 |
| V.D. Clinic | D.V. Clinic | |
| Venereal | Verial | |
| Ventriloquist | Vantriloquist | |
| Vince Vaughn | Vince Von | June 25, 2010 |
| The Virgin Mary | Mother Mary | |
| Wackbag | Lackbag | |
| Werewolf | Wayawolf | June 25, 2010 |
| Wesley Snipes | Wesley Sipes | |
| White Supremacist | White Superior | March 8, 2006 |
| Wikipedia | Wookapedia | May 20, 2009 |
| Wildebeest | Wilderbeast | |
| Wilkes-Barre (Pennsylvania) | Wilkes Borrough | |
| Wireless | Wileless | April 13, 2010 |
| Wolfgang Puck (famed chef) | Wolfman Puck | |
| Women's Lib | Women Libs | |
| Worcester (pronounced "Wooster") | Worster | |
| Written | Wroten | |
| X-Ray glasses | 3-D Glasses | |
| "You stunk then, and you stink now." | "You stink then, and you stink now." |
In addition, Rich has done many other stupid things:
- Saying the Leaning Tower of Pisa was in France instead of Italy.
- Talking on the phone and saying he's "bombing" while standing in the middle of an airport.
- Buying a Rolls Royce on eBay and getting ripped off.
- While talking sex with O&A, Norton and Bonnie, the subject came to masturbation and how Jim can arc a load past his head while lying down. In response to that, Rich fired out, "You ever think, 'This is the time I'm going to taste it?'"
- Engaged in phone sex with Bonnie, Rich said "You have one of the best tasting pussies ever." One of?
- Thinking that people in Brazil spoke Brazilian, instead of Portuguese.
- Said that a layer of ice levitates above water.
- Thinking that Everett, WA (a city) was Mount Everest.
- Thinking a teleprompter had ancient hieroglyphics scroll on it.
- Thinking Virginia Tech was in West Virginia.
- Thinking the Department of Agriculture was a branch of the government as opposed to a Cabinet Department.
- Referring to the two landlords on Three's Company (Mr. Roper and Mr. Furley) as the two Ropers.
- Once met Ann Coulter at a party and thought she was Laura Ingraham.
- Misspelled his daughter's name on her birth certificate.
- During an appearance on May 20, 2009, Vos blurted out his Twitter account password - comic630 - live on the air. It turns out he used the same password for his MySpace, Facebook, and email accounts. The Pests and some O&A staff members immediately took over everything. They replaced his picture on Twitter with one of Jimmy in his underwear and one of a horse's ass, and signed him up to follow gay Twitter sites. To top it all off, Vos described the incident as a "paux fas" instead of a "faux pas".
- Claimed he knew that Washington crossed the Delaware because "they took pictures."
- Believed that flavored potato chips (i.e. Salt & Vinegar) were first sold 'in the past five years' (c. 2002)
- Belived that Germany was the last country to surrender during World War II; in reality, Japan was.
- Stated than an old lady's pussy looks like a catcher's mask.
- Said Bonnie was acting passive agressive even though he didn't know what that meant. (September 2, 2009)
- When discussing a town where he had a gig, Vos asked "Is there a college up there where kids go to college?" (September 2, 2009)
- Thought roosters were a different animal from chickens.
- When asked what the short form of Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation was (i.e. LASER), he said the speed of light. (September 2, 2009)
- When asked what the largest planet in the solar system was (i.e. Jupiter), his guesses included Mercury and the moon. (September 2, 2009)
- Said the "L" was silent in Stephen Colbert's last name (it's actually the "T"). (October 8, 2009)
- "Great minds think a lot." Enough said.
- "Phone calls are tough." (Nov 17, 2009)
- Said there was a scene in The Shining where the hallway is on fire, when he was thinking of the scene where blood pours out of the elevator. (December 4, 2009)
- For Bonnie's birthday, he got her gifts from CVS and took her to Houlihan's. (March 30, 2010)
- After seeing a story on the news about the anniversary of Lucille Ball's death, Vos thought that she just died (she actually died 21 years earlier, in 1989). (April 26, 2010)
- Asked what a wireless TV remote was. (June 1, 2010)
- Was amazed when O&A showed him the Google Maps site, and thought the pictures from it were from today. (July 23, 2010)
- Called U2 a cover band. (July 23, 2010)
- Thought that the recent political primaries were about Democrats and Republicans running against each other (like in the general election), instead of Democrats and Republicans choosing the party candidates. (September 16, 2010)
- When he was told he looked like the Situation's father, Vos said that was a "play on words". (November 5, 2010)
- He attempted to spell "Louie" twice and failed both times. His first attempt was L-e-y his second attempt was L-e-w (During the Dumb Off)
- Spelled Patrice Oneal, "Patrice O'Neil" on Twitter as his tribute. He wondered why Huffington Post didn't pick his tweet for their Twitter slideshow. (November 30th, 2011)
Fun Facts
- Had a horrendous, stench filled bag of pus behind his ear. That he would drain on air for people to smell. He said it smelled like grape jelly.
- Having unbending midget fingers not unlike turtle feet.
- Has big fake teeth and long stories about when he smoked crack.
- He "knows the struggle".
- AKA "The World's Tallest Midget".
- AKA "The World's Dumbest Jew".
- Married comedian Bonnie McFarlane in 2005. Apparently knocked her up sometime around September, 2006. She gave birth to a daughter in 2007.
- Swallowed his own crown in 2005 and actually searched through his own feces to find it because he was too cheap to buy a replacement.
- Would pull into the emptiest hotel parking lot with a lady and say it's sold out.
- On March 1st, 2006, Rich produced a 4 to 6 inch long booger... which Wild Bill touched with his tongue for $42.00.
- Has a self-proclaimed IQ of 140.
- Has tattoos - a no-no in the Jewish religion.
- Used to have a Jheri curl.
- Has been using Nicorette gum for 5 years. The recommended course of treatment is 12 weeks.
- Is considered a shitty actor; he brags about playing Lenny Bruce on the TV show American Dreams, but his performance sounded nothing like Bruce, and his portrayal of Lenny's comedy sounded no different than a regular Vos performance. As a joke, O&A had him act out a scene from A Bronx Tale with Chazz Palminteri - to call it shit would be an insult to shit. See Louie Beans for more details.
- Used to wear short-shorts to entice a male drug dealer to give him drugs (revealed on May 16, 2007).
- After mispronouncing several celebrity names, Steven S from Bayshore came up with the idea of showing Vos pictures of celebrities and having him guess their names (November 14, 2008)
- On his second date with his future wife, he gave her oral treats in the back of his car.
- Chose to spend Christmas, 2008 with his ex-wife and kids instead of going to Canada with Bonnie and their baby.
- Competed in a trivia contest with Bobo. (September 2, 2009)
- Likes to shop at Wal-Mart for golf balls and pita bread.
- Has a brother with one leg. Vos hates him. He once had to drive his brother somewhere and hated doing it because he doesn't like doing nice things for him. Bonnie got mad at Vos for this.
- Feels that water is overrated.
See Also
- Progeerios.jpg - Cereal box Photoshop that includes various other Vos-cabulary words
